So what does this 'talking' do that helps people find a way through and past conflicts that have bogged them down for sometimes months or years, and made them not want to go to work or step out of their front door for fear of bumping into a neighbour with whom they are in dispute?
The answer, I think, comes in understanding why people get so bogged down in conflicts. As an impartial observer of conflicts in action it so often seems so easy - all people need to do is understand each other, all they need to do is hear what the other person is saying.
The things that gets in the way are often emotion and presumption about people's motives and actions.
"He's deliberately went behind my back to the boss to undermine me so he can get promoted ahead of me"
"I went to see the boss because we were heading for disaster, he couldn't see it because of his own stupid pride, I hated doing it but if we'd have hit the rocks all our jobs would've been at risk"As the mediator I am there as the facilitator to a conversation that people couldn't conceive of having on their own for fear of emotion - anger and sorrow often - clouding their judgement and actions.
I am the person who translates - asks 'is that what you meant to be understood?' when someone reflects what they actually heard when someone shouted across the garden fence in anger. I am the extra brain that can think calmly and logically and help accompany people to a place where they can truly talk about the things that matter and get to a point where they can plan a better future.
The skills I use as a mediator are those of understanding each person's needs during the mediation session and being able to look after those needs of each of them when they are caught up in emotional charged and sometimes distressing situations. Some of those skills are similar to coaching: asking just the right question that allows someone to access their own resources and start to see their way through a problem.
Putting yourself in a room with two people, sometimes close family members, who on the face of it hate each other, and who are filled with bitterness and ire toward each other is not easy and requires training and skill. It is emotionally draining but, when people find a way to communicate with each other in a constructive way, and leave with a plan for doing so in a way that is better than when they came into the room, it is incredibly rewarding.
If you think a mediator could help, drop me a line, or check out the list of approved mediators at the College of Mediators.
