I have a friend who is gorgeous. Not only is she attractive, she is an immensely talented thinker and business leader. Men react instinctively when they meet her and often grin stupidly and become suddenly tongue-tied – you can imagine can't you?
In many respects it's flattering that someone finds you attractive, I'm sure you find it so. But what happens when that reaction becomes a barrier? When the fact of someone's reaction to your appearance gets in the way of decisions you have to make togehter for example? The same principle can be applied to someone with a physical disfigurement – remember the Rowan Atkinson sketch when he tried desperately to not say 'mole' as he was distracted by a large facial blemish.
Watching one of the RSA's excellent animated speeches I was struck by a reference to developmental psychologist Robert Keegan's statement that
'...successful functioning society with its diverse values, traditions and lifestyles requires us to have a relationship to our reactions rather than be captive to them...'
That's what we're talking about isn't it: our initial reactions to people we meet.
Throughout the 90s workplace diversity training tormented us with guilt over our reactions to people who are different to us, we agonised over how to not say things and tied ourselves in knots with politically correct language – all well intended, aimed at improving inclusivity but actually doing the opposite by making it even less likely that we would have a conversation with someone very different to ourselves. We were captives of our reactions.
I couldn't help but think of Reactolite sunglasses lenses, the ones that automatically adjust to the brightness of sunlight making it comfortable to carry on your business. I'm going to invent a new lens – one that adjusts to the inner glare we get from an instinctive reaction to someone. The lens will darken whenever we react suddenly to someone's appearance, accent, education or any of the other items on the long list of things that hit our 'hot-buttons'.
The potential market is huge, for example I'll sell them to anyone taking home their boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time – it will help get over the “Oh my God, he/she is white/black/male/female/ugly/gorgeous/wheelchair-bound moment”.
They will be compulsory for meetings where important decisions are made – government, local authorities or courts for example. They will become essential equipment for police officers, doctors and teachers.
Until I've invented them though, I'm going to encourage everyone I know to think and talk about how they can help themselves temper their reactions. Maybe someone else will invent a reaction-o-meter to be worn like a wristwatch, it will have a dial and a pointer to help us understand when our behaviour is a based on an initial reaction rather than a more balanced view.
It was quite an eye-opener to hear my gorgeous friend talk about how it takes longer to build a useful working relationship with people because of her appearance. It took me only a few seconds to realise that is exactly how it is for anyone whose appearance is significantly different from most other people around them.
I'm interested to learn what personal strategies people use to protect themselves from that initial often unhelpful reaction to people.
Oh, by the way, here's the RSA video, it's a super watch:
